


Gabriel's Offensive Nativity Tale

by Tennyo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adult Language, Everybody Lives, Gabriel sings an offensive song, Gen, IDK which pseud to post this under, SPN Holiday Mixtape, kind of cracky, let's just pretend that 12x08 didn't happen, with a hint of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 07:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8836153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tennyo/pseuds/Tennyo
Summary: It's December in the Bunker, and the gang are working to give the space a festive feel.Then Gabriel shows up.It all goes downhill from there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Idea drawn from the song: [The Most Offensive Song Ever](https://youtu.be/5YTJMSiaG10) from SouthPark  
> And also a piece of art I saw where [Gabriel irreverently tells Mary she's pregnant with Jesus.](http://www.deviantart.com/art/The-Annunciation-359193278)  
> It's a plotbunny that got stuck in my head a couple of years ago, in a slightly different form, that's finally getting put to use. 
> 
> Thanks to SPN Holiday Mixtape Mods for doing this challenge, it was fun!

It’s December and cold in Lebanon, Kansas. 

At the Bunker, Dean and Sam have been enlisting the help of their friends in preparing for the upcoming holiday. Kevin is on garland duty, and he’s been winding both evergreen and tinsel garlands along railings, up columns, and across doorways. Castiel helps Sam hang wreaths from light sconces, while Charlie covers paper ornaments in glitter while downloading Christmas music. Someone found a couple of potted Norfolk Island Pines for next to the stairs going to the library, and they’re decked with ribbons, lights, and tiny ball ornaments. Dean’s in the kitchen with Mary, insistent she learn how to make an actual pie from scratch.

While everybody’s doing their thing, there’s a sudden loud banging from the bunker’s door: BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! 

Castiel and Sam look at each other before dropping a wreath and reaching for their respective weapons. Dean rushes out of the kitchen, Mary at his heels, both of them with hands covered in flour. With a serious look, Castiel says: “Sam, Dean, take everyone to the dungeon.”

Dean’s already herding Mary and Charlie in that direction, tugging on Kevin’s sleeve. But Sam holds his ground, knife in hand. “But we don’t know who or what’s out there, Cas. Should we leave you alone?”

Having shoved the women through the doorway, Dean pauses in shoving Kevin in their direction. “He has a point, Cas. Sam, you stay at the doorway, I’ll get everyone locked away and get my gun.”

Sam and Cas nod, and Dean shuffles his charges off to relative safety. After Sam has taken his position at the doorway to the hall, Castiel makes his way up the stairs. Just before he gets to the door, there are another series of loud bangs, in a staccato rhythm.

BOOM Boom Ba-boom boom… Boom BOOM

Something about the pattern seems familiar. Angel blade in hand, Cas glances over his shoulder, and when Sam nods, he reaches for the door handle. As soon as the latch is disengaged, a force blows it back, dragging Cas with it. 

With a swirl of dry leaves and snow, a pair of scuffed work boots crosses the threshold. Above the boots are a pair of loose, worn jeans, and a navy colored canvas jacket over a black t-shirt with a colorful rooster printed on it. Shaggy, light brown hair almost to his shoulders, Gabriel stands there with his arms out to his sides, golden eyes twinkling, mouth open wide in a toothless grin and a full beard.

“Did you miss me little bro?”

Castiel pushes himself from behind the door, wary and blade still clasped tightly. “Gabriel? But I thought—”

“What? Didn’t we talk about this already? Metawank had me do him a favor, but other than that, I’ve been in hiding.” Gabriel drops his arms and puts on a frustrated look. “Get with the program.”

Cautiously, Castiel places a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder, giving it a little shake before pulling the trickster-angel into his arms for a crushing hug. With a grunt, Gabriel raises his hands to pat him on the back. “There, there,” he says with a strained voice, “I’m glad you missed me, but I think you’ve dislocated a couple vertebrae.”

Castiel drops his arms and proceeds to babble, “I wasn’t sure if you were real, because the scenario wasn’t, and with Metatron controlling things—”

Gabriel peeks over his brother’s shoulder and takes in the art-deco room, and the man staring up confused but cautious from an open doorway. Face lighting up in a grin, he exclaims, “Samsquatch? Is that my favorite jolly green?” 

Dodging around Castiel, Gabriel places a hand on the railing and leaps over it, landing lightly on his feet on the floor below. Startled, Sam raises his knife and glances up at Castiel. “Uh, Cas? What’s going on?”

“It’s alright, Sam. It’s really him.”

Sam gapes at Gabriel, who picks up the discarded wreath. “But I saw… The wings…”

“Yeah, yeah. How many times have you seen me supposedly die, Sam-o?”

The sound of Dean’s boots stomping up the hall catches Sam’s attention. “Not as many times as he saw me croak, you winged dick,” calls Dean. Stopping behind his brother, Dean scowls at Gabriel. “We could have used your help over the past few.”

“Aww, Dean-o. Nice to see you actually care about me,” Gabriel pouts, “But until recently, it was all I could manage to stay hidden. Even my trickster powers failed me for a while after Metty didn’t like my performance.”

Dean’s preparing a retort when Gabriel cuts him off. “You going to introduce me to your friends, or are you gonna keep ‘em locked up in your kinky dungeon?”

Castiel has made his way down the stairs and is now standing awkwardly off to the side. Sam stands at the doorway without much to say, a crease in his brow as he processes everything. Dean scowls at Gabriel. “Fine, I’ll go get them. But don’t you go doing any weird shit in the bunker.”

Dean goes to let out the three locked in the dungeon, and briefly fills them in about the supposed-to-be-dead archangel standing in their war-room. Mary acts cautious, Kevin is curious but keeps his distance, and Charlie bounces around Gabriel, plying him with endless questions. Eventually he grabs her by the shoulders and holds her still. “Slow your roll there, and lay off the energy drinks kid. I’ll be here a while.”

Everyone blinks in the sudden silence for a beat before Dean asks, “So what are you doing here, anyway?”

Gabriel releases Charlie, and turns to Dean. “I heard you’re having a bit of a problem with my body-swapping brother, figured I’d give you a hand.” He rocks back on his heels. “Besides, it’s almost Christmas, right? Going to be a big family meal?”

With a frown, Cas looks at his brother. “You of all angels should know Christmas isn’t—”

“Yeah, yeah, shut it Columbo. It’s when everyone celebrates, and there’s going to be  _ food _ .”

Pointing a finger at Gabriel, Dean snaps, “Keep your mitts off my pie, sugarhound.”

Kevin interrupts, “So you know when Jesus’ birth really was? That was _ actually Gabriel  _ doing all the announcements?”

“Yup, that was all me!” Gabriel puffs out his chest. “Well, mostly. A couple other angels made some guest appearances, like with the shepherds and stuff, but the important stuff was my responsibility.”

A glint in his eye, Kevin asks, “So when exactly was Jesus born?”

Groaning, Gabriel looks over his shoulder at Castiel. “Is he gonna make me do centuries worth of date conversion?” He turns back to Kevin. “Look, kid. They weren’t even using the same calendar, or even had the same days of the week! I didn’t come here to do all that shit in my head.”

Castiel places a hand on Gabriel’s arm, noticing Kevin’s offended frown. “I believe there are some scholars that have gotten pretty close.” He looks to Gabriel for confirmation. “Early autumn, perhaps around August or September?”

Gabriel nods. “Yeah, and I think it’s only a few years off from the zero date you guys use.”

“Cool, um… thanks.” Any anticipation on Kevin’s face has drained away at this point.

Looking over at Castiel’s disapproving scowl, Gabriel sighs. “I could show you what happened though, if you’re interested.” Charlie bounces and claps her hands excitedly. “Really? We could actually go and see what it was like back then? Because I know some cosplayers who would—”

Sam cuts her off. “Isn’t it a bad idea to go back in time just to witness a historically significant birth?”

Giving him a patronizing smile, Gabriel tells Sam, “Aren’t you forgetting something?” He points at his own face, swirling his finger and shaking his hips with the syllables, “Trick-ster.”

A bark of laughter draws everyone’s attention to Dean. “Hey Sammy, remember when he made you do the herpes commercial?” 

Sam’s expression becomes stormy. “One. Hundred. Deaths.”

Fluttering her hands as if to dispel the atmosphere, Mary finally joins in the discussion. “Alright boys. That’s enough.” She steps closer to Gabriel, evaluating him. “You’re actually…  _ THE _ angel Gabriel?”

Gabriel smiles widely at her, waggling his eyebrows. “One and the same, milady.”

She evaluates him a moment longer, before turning away, not hiding her disappointment. “He’s not what I expected.”

This breaks the tension and everyone laughs except Gabriel. “I can show you just how awesome I am,” he says petulantly. Then with a bright smile, “So you up to see what the Nativity was really like?”

Charlie starts clapping her hands again. “Yes please!” She looks to everyone else. “Oh, please, pretty please?”

Everyone nods or shrugs, except Kevin. “I dunno, Mom’s supposed to be coming with the turkeys tomorrow. How long is this going to take?” 

Gabriel grins, snaps the fingers of both hands, and everyone finds themselves in the ancient Middle East. “Oh, not long at all. It’ll be like you never left.”

They’re outside an ancient town, which Gabriel says is Nazareth. “We’re gonna skip the stuff with Zach and Elizabeth, because that part’s boring. Just remember little Johnnie’s about six months along.” 

He leads then to a stone house at the edge of town, and he tells them to wait. The sun quickly dips toward the horizon, and then slows as a young woman, a shawl covering her hair, appears from the doorway of the house. She makes her way to a well and rests on the edge. “Alright,” Gabriel says, clapping his hands, “Showtime.” He disappears.

Suddenly, from up above, is a bright light. The young woman shadows her eyes as it descends, glowing wings and flowing robes surrounding the being of light. “Wow,” Charlie whispers, holding up her phone to record the event.

The angel touches down in front of the young woman who has collapsed onto her knees, head bowed, shoulders trembling. As the light fades from the angelic being, everyone can recognize Gabriel in his familiar current form. 

“Are we allowed to say something?” Kevin whispers, “Because I really don’t think that Gabriel would have looked like that over two thousand years ago.”

The scene freezes, and Gabriel turns to look at him. “Shush. I didn’t like the vessel I needed to borrow back then, his nose was too big, and he had a skin condition.” Flapping his hand, Gabriel turns back to the young woman and the scene resumes. 

She’s chanting something, and Gabriel responds to her in the same language. With a gasp, she looks up as far as she dares, about waist high, and her chanting becomes more fervent. “Uhh,” Dean leans closer to Kevin to whisper, “What language is she speaking?”

“I think it’s Hebrew, but ancient dialects at that speed are…”

There’s another snap of Gabriel’s fingers, and suddenly everyone can hear the young woman in English, chanting a prayer. Bending forward, Gabriel places a hand on her scarf-covered head and says, “Don’t be afraid, Miriam. You’ve been blessed by God!”

Bowing her head once again, Miriam timidly asks, “Oh great messenger, how have I been blessed?”

Gabriel lets out a disturbing chuckle before exclaiming: “God’s gonna knock you up!” 

Mary Winchester lets out a scandalized gasp, Dean groans, Sam facepalms, while Kevin stands agape. Charlie slowly lowers her phone and whispers, “Did he just paraphrase L.L. Cool J?”

Miriam, still on her knees, blinks up at Gabriel, finally looking up into his face. “I… What?”

“Yep! You're gonna be preggers with the son of God!” Gabriel gives his signature toothless grin. There’s another round of fresh groans from the spectators.

“But… How, I am not yet wed, and haven’t been with…”

“Now now. You know all things are possible with God. A little bit of Holy Spirit, a tiny zap of Most High, and besides,” he says with a wink, “We both know that you’ve been getting a little handsy with your betrothed.”

This causes Miriam to collapse at Gabriel’s feet, sobbing. “Please, O Holy one! But the punishment—” 

Gabriel cuts her pleas short. “Oh, hush. You can suck all the dick you want and still be a virgin!”

That’s more than enough for some of the crowd that’s watching. Sam’s holding back Mary, who looks like she wants to go slap Gabriel. Dean’s trying very hard not to laugh, and poor Kevin looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm.

“Now I  _ know  _ you’re paraphrasing songs! That’s cheating!” exclaims Charlie.

Ignoring the peanut gallery, Gabriel kneels before Miriam, who blinks up at him in shock. “Your relative, Elizabeth? God helped her out, too and she’s six months along. Don’t worry, if Joseph tries any shenanigans, I’ll set him straight. You’re gonna be just fine. You’ll have a baby boy, and name him Jesus, and maybe give your poor betrothed the occasional handy or BJ to keep him happy until you’re able to consummate your marriage.

“Gabriel!” cries Sam, finally having had enough of all this. “You can’t tell us that’s how this all really happened.”

With a sigh, Gabriel helps Miriam to her feet, and shoos her back into the house. He turns to the crowd watching him with mixed expressions of amusement and horror. “And why not? Like she’d really go and tell anyone what I actually said. Or that some scholar would write down that the as-of-yet unwed mother of Jesus sucked a little pickle.”

“Please tell me that at least she didn't offer that to the shepherds, Gabriel.” Charlie has ignored her phone now, hanging in her limp hand, in favor of staring wide at the irreverent angel.

“South Park really comes up with some funny stuff. But no, my little cupcake. The song is just a little bit of fiction…” He winks, “Mostly.”

“Oh my God,” exclaims Mary Winchester, “Are we done here? Because I think I’ve seen quite enough.”

“But we haven’t even gotten to the nativity scene where one of the goats—”

“No!” shout Sam, Kevin and Dean as one.

“Fine, fine. We’re done here I guess,” Gabriel pouts.

A snap of his fingers, and they’re all standing in the Bunker like they’d never left, which they probably actually haven’t. Glaring daggers at Gabriel, Mary claims a headache and goes to lie down. Dean mutters something about checking on the pie, and disappears into the kitchen. Charlie checks her phone to find her recordings and photos of the incident blank, and Kevin slumps down into the nearest chair. 

“But you didn’t get to see when I visited Joseph and called him a—”

“Gabriel!” Castiel admonishes, picking up a long-forgotten wreath.

With a sigh, Gabriel wanders over to where Charlie’s tablet has been left sitting. “I’ll just help with the ornaments, I guess.”

For a few minutes, things seem to calm and settle. It’s while Sam’s on a ladder, tying up one of the last of the wreaths, that he hears music coming from Charlie’s small portable speakers. There’s some scuffling, before Gabriel dashes out of the library with the tablet in one hand, the speakers in the other. 

“Howdy Ho,” he cries, scrambling up the stairs to the front door and making them disappear before anyone can follow him. From the balcony above, Gabriel dances like a child and sings:

> 'Cause you can suck all the dick you want
> 
> And still be a Virgin, Mary!
> 
> You can suck all the dick you want,
> 
> And still not be considered flawed.
> 
> Though, Mary, you went to town,
> 
> and sucked some semen down,
> 
> You're still still a virgin
> 
> In the eyes of god!"

 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean exclaims, glaring up at the taunting angel who turns the volume up and starts on the next verse. “You better put those stairs back or so  _ help  _ me!” 

With the sound of Gabriel continuing to sing that song, Dean turns and yells, “Hey, Kevin! Go get the crossbow!”

Once the song ends, Gabriel returns the stairs to their normal place. The crossbow never gets fired, but nobody wants to have Gabriel stay, even Castiel, who was looking forward to having his brother visit. With some insistence on Castiel’s part and grumbling on Gabriel’s he finally leaves the bunker, the heavy metal door clanging with the force of Castiel closing it in Gabriel’s face.

**Author's Note:**

> I also want to dedicate this work to everyone who has had fun with the [SPN Coldest Hits](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/SPNColdestHits) Collection.  
> We may have not had a December challenge, but this is its spiritual child.


End file.
